Breaking up is hard to do...

Sorry - no pictures yet - but we are slowly getting moved back into our house. It's wonderful to be home, but also I have a lot of complicated feelings about a number of things, so I'm not totally living in the bliss of being a simple family, in a simple home yet. One of those complicated things is moving Ben to a new daycare program. I'll see if I can explain why these feelings are so complicated. It's been weighing heavily on my mind all week. So for now, house updates and pictures will have to wait.

Benjamin has been in a Mother's Day Out program at a nearby Lutheran church since we returned to Houston post-Ike - 4 months. In those four months, he's grown and blossomed under the attentive care of our beloved Ms. Nathalie in his tiny infant's class. He's been happy, busy and entertained for 30 hours per week - making working, trying to rebuild our home, and the general complicatedness of living in someone else's house much more bearable. But even more, I think, I've learned that someone else can help me care for my child - and he can be in an "institutional" setting, and be loved and thrive - and I can be guilt free about it all. That has been a truly wonderful gift, and one we really needed at that point in our lives.

Now, we did not intend to stay in this program long-term. After researching different programs, I became strongly convicted that I wanted Benjamin to be in a Montessori program - but with such long waiting lists, that proved hard to find. And Ms. Nathalie is truly a rare gem in the school - she has a master's degree in early childhood education (and it shows in her creative games with the children), and she is so warm and bubbly and outgoing - the moment you walk into her classroom you feel at ease and content. But the issue is that the teacher for the next level actually gives me the opposite feeling. So while I loved having Benjamin in Ms. Nathalie's class, I wanted to move him to a new program before he transitioned to the next level. Mark and I were pretty sure that would happen this summer.

So it came with great surprise when we received an offer to enroll Benjamin in the montessori program at a nearby Episcopal church. We had been on the waiting list for almost a year, and two children had moved out of the program, creating a 4-day opening. They, of course, would not hold the opening for us until summer, and there were no guarantees about when the next opening would be if we turned down this spot. So here the dilemma lay. We could transition Ben now into the Montessori program - leaving behind our beloved Nathalie, and do this amidst our move back home - when our lives were already going to be turned upside down. Or we could wait, and risk Benjamin not getting into this school for another year - which would also mean he would likely transition into the next teacher's class. We weren't thrilled with either option. But, ultimately, I didn't want to lose his spot in the class - so we took it.

Then began the question about when to start him in the new program. We originally were going to wait until the end of February - to give Benjamin a chance to settle back into the house - so we weren't changing everything in his life at once. But Mark has an unusually light schedule these first two weeks of February, and we both pick up speed in the second half with work commitments. That paired with his old school being closed for the last two days in January, we decided to take the plunge. And truthfully, it has been a hard transition.

Although, I think the transition has been the hardest on me. Part of it is that I had to go tell his old school on Monday that we were leaving. And because we only decided to transition Ben to his new school after the old school was closed for a couple of days, we gave his old school no warning. I dreaded that conversation with the school director and Ms. Nathalie. They had been nothing but wonderful to us. How could I explain why we were leaving? They were both very understanding and although sad to see us go (and not without saying wonderful things about Benjamin), embraced our decision with understanding and kindness. I made it through the conversation with Alice pretty well, but was pretty much sobbing through the whole conversation with Ben's teacher.

So with that conversation over, I thought my feelings would settle - but they haven't. And I think it's because we're leaving something that we know is good for now, and trading it for the unknown. The teachers and staff at Ben's new school are very nice - but we don't know them yet like we know his old school. And Ben was the "backbone" (director's words) of the infant program at his old school - as when we left, he was the only full-time child, and actually the only one enrolled on Fridays - and so received a lot of one-on-one attention. His new class is full - and granted it is only 8 children - but it is still so different.

And it's hard because Benjammin has been a total fussbucket lately. Now it could be due to a number of factors - his cold, his very dry, itchy skin (yes, apparently we do have periods of low humidity in Houston), his horrible sleeping lately (up three times last night - and it took me four visits to his room to get him to fall asleep tonight), or just his being a willful toddler. But the catastrophizer in me attributes it to his transition to his new school - which I chose - and therefore makes me feel horribly guilty that his unhappiness was preventable, and was in fact caused by my decision.

And finally, I think my emotions tied to this transition are also about feeling guilty about leaving his old school. The director and teacher were so supportive as we went through all the emotions of starting a child in daycare for the first time, amidst the craziness of initial recovery from the hurricane. And their infant program is struggling a bit right now with low attendance - so I feel like a traitor and ungrateful to pull Benjamin out when they actually sort of need him there too. Feelings like they were there for us when we most needed help, but now we're abandoning them.

It truly does feel a bit like breaking up with a boyfriend. And I suppose when it comes to daycare, this is our first - so perhaps it's all the harder because of that.

I'm sure as Ben gets settled into his new program, I'll be more confident that we made the right choice. Mark already is. But as we continue to transition into our new "normal", I imagine I'll have a few more adult meltdowns to accompany Benjamin's toddler versions.

Sorry if this made no sense, or seemed trivial - I know I'm sort of rambling. But I started this blog with the intent of documenting our journey into parenting for future reading. And this is one more reminder of how intense parenting is. And how you really don't get feedback on your decisions for years to come...