The Last Six Months...

Benjamin turned six months old on Dec. 8. Mark and I were going to celebrate with him by making a six-month birthday cake, similar to one I saw in a magazine - which is essentially a 1/2 cake, iced all the way around. Well, the cake didn't turn out quite as nice as expected (it looked like a 1/2 eaten birthday cake), and we couldn't seem to get around to taking the picture of it with Benjamin - so we ate it late one night after he went to bed.

So that last six months has been crazy. It's hard to believe that Benjamin's already six months old - and yet it's also hard to remember what our lives were like (and a full night of sleep) before he arrived. I think we're finally ready to settle into a routine, now that Mark is done with his audition, and I've made it through the "big event" I'd been planning for work (which culminated into 50-hour weeks at the end). With the sigh of relief that we've made it to the calendar page we'd been waiting for, also comes the anxiety about what lies ahead. We both knew the past few months was not going to be fun. What happens if it's still incredibly stressful even after all these events have passed?

For months, I've been meaning to write in my blog my feelings about motherhood. I lacked either the time or the motivation, but now as Benjamin lay newly asleep in his crib and Mark is on "baby duty," I have both - so we'll see if I'm able to put into words what I feel.

What I can say, is that I feel very deep emotion, but it is hard to pinpoint exactly what they are and hard to put into words. I think that a lot of the intensity of entering motherhood has been postponed, because until you hit your stride, I don't think your brain can process past survival. Our survival mode was perhaps somewhat extended by our career pursuits, and I'm trying to prepare myself for perhaps a second "postpartum" swing as we settle into our new lives.


I figured I would feel a very deep love for our son, which I do. I wasn't startled when it took a while to settle in, as I've been fortunate enough to have friends who have shared those early feelings (or lack of) that they felt for their newborns. What is different though, is that while I do often find Ben fascinating (Mark and I spent dinner a few nights ago in silent awe as we watched him try to chew a crumb of bread that we gave him), other times I just don't know what to do with him. I get tired of trying to find things to say, and sometimes tired of including him in my life, when I really just want some quiet time to get a few things done.

Having a baby is also hard on a marriage. Mark and I have been fortunate enough to have had a very easy marriage up to this point - with very few conflicts that needed resolving. The biggest struggle with bringing a baby into the family is the lack of time - to spend with each other, to spend alone doing the things we each individually want to do (only one person can do this at a time - the other needs to watch the baby). I feel good about our relationship, but it has definitely taken more work over the last few months. That being said, I'm also very proud at how we've made it a priority to keep our relationship strong, and have both made concerted efforts to keep the other person's well being in mind, when the natural tendency is to be concerned with what I'm getting out of the relationship.

Having a baby also brings about a lot of anxiety. It begins with worrying about his welfare- if I bring him into my bed, will I roll over on him? - Is he getting enough to eat - Is this just a cold, or something worse? Later, you worry about how you are "conditioning" him - do I let him cry it out so that he'll learn to soothe himself, or do I let him sleep in my bed until he's 12 so that he'll feel safe and secure (okay maybe not that long, but still...) - both methods have claims that they improve a child's self esteem and confidence. Is he getting enough attention - am I interacting with him enough? Is he getting too much attention, should I encourage him to play on his own?


All these fears seem like no big deal, until your worrying about your own baby. Rational thought sometimes goes out the window.


Having a baby is also a constant struggle between longing for past, wanting to fast forward to the future, and trying to remember to appreciate the days right now. I already look at Ben's newborn pictures, and wish I could remember more about what it was like to hold such a tiny guy, and wonder why I couldn't appreciate those early days more (instead of being so anxiety-ridden). Some days, I also want to fast forward to the future - to where he'll be eating more solids, so I can leave the house for more than two hours without pumping, or to where he'll finally sleep through the night - or at least for more than 3 hours at a time. Amidst all of these thoughts, I also know everyone says that these are such precious days, and they will pass too quickly, so I try to remember to appreciate his phase and what we're living right now.

Well, I've lost the energy and focus to keep going (it's been a long day). I do hope to be more diligent in keeping this blog. I hope that I've captured some of my feelings about motherhood in this snapshot in our lives. It really is such a life-changing experience, which sounds so cliche, but it's hard to capture the enormity in which it changes your life - not just in how you spend your time, or in how much sleep you get, but in your emotional thought life as well.

Good night everyone - sweet dreams!