Today (well, yesterday actually now that I actually am posting this) is Adam's due date! I was scheduled to be induced tonight at 6 PM if I hadn't gone spontaneously into labor, and would still be on bed rest playing the waiting game. How much has changed in one week!
Last Wednesday (July 10) I went to my 39 week doctor's appointment, having completed two weeks on complete bed rest. It was my first time out of the house in a week. Similar to the previous two weeks, we had a biophysical profile (ultrasound) done to check how the baby was doing due to my high blood pressure. The ultrasound went well --- Adam was still growing on track and showed no signs of distress. He had also moved to a head down position and seemed lined up well to be born! We were excited to hear that, and relieved that everything with him continued to look normal. At my 39 week appointment with Katie, the amniotic fluid levels were low, which caused me to go on bed rest for a few days with her before being induced.
We then went to wait in the exam room for my doctor, and I laid quietly on my side on the exam table, willing my blood pressure to be low. I had been monitoring it at home, and it was often a fair bit higher at my appointments than it was at home. The nurse came in and wanted to take my weight first, but I asked her to take my BP while it was at its lowest. It measured high, of course, although I can't remember how high. We then did the rest of the exam, and I laid back down and waited for Dr. Del. He arrived and took my blood pressure, which I believe at this point was a bit lower, but still too high, and then proceeded with the examination to determine how far along I was. He also tried to strip my membranes to help move things along (something that I would not have wanted in the past - but I preferred this procedure over being induced), but my cervix was not dilated enough for him to do so.
So we discussed the options at this point in the pregnancy. I feel really fortunate to have Dr. Del as my doctor, as I believe he is just the right balance of cautious and calm for me. He respects our desires to do things as naturally as possible, but I trust his judgement with weighing the risks of not intervening. This proved crucial during the labor, as it was touch and go several times with Adam's tolerance of the contractions. We agreed on an induction date the following week, which would buy me a few days closer to the due date.
We checked out with the nurse, with a final appointment with Dr. Del planned for Tuesday (July 16) for one last check-up before the scheduled induction (planned for his due date July 17, as that was the only opening they had in the time frame Dr Del requested at the hospital).
Following the appointment, we decided to be wild and went to Jamba Juice to get a smoothie. :) I knew (or at least I thought I knew) that it would be my last time out of the house for another week. Then we headed home where I continued on with my bed rest routine --- alternating between napping or reading on the bed, watching TV on the couch, or working on a hook rug reclined in the chair.
Thank goodness my parents were here to help with the rest! My first week of bed rest, Mark had to juggle work, carting the kids to St Andrews, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, etc. With my parents' arrival, he finally got a bit of a break. It was (and continues to be) wonderful to have their company and help while we waited for the baby to arrive, while at the hospital, and then again as we settle back into life at home. It's going to be a bit of a shock when we have to resume care of three children after they leave next week.
Wednesday evening, my parents and Mark took the kids to a trial gymnastics class that we had scheduled while I rested at home. Thursday looked to be pretty much the same as a typical bed rest day. Mark had a double daytime rehearsal, so he took the kids to their activities (Ben is now at a 2-week long arts camp, while Katie continues at St Andrews) and then headed downtown for his rehearsal. My parents stayed at home, and my dad made me a baked potato for lunch (one of the few low sodium foods I could eat --- as an aside - low sodium diets are difficult!) before he and my mom headed out to pick up the kids from their activities. Katie had a swim lesson, so they were planning to take the kids for a sweet treat at Menchies before Katie's swim lesson.
I ate my baked potato in the recliner, and then decided to watch some (bad) TV on the couch. I got up and headed to the bedroom to get a few pillows and had walked a few steps down the hallway when my water broke. It was a dramatic gush - similar to what you see in the movies! It completely soaked my pants, and I froze for a moment thinking "is that what I think it is" --- but it was so much all at once, that I knew it wasn't just a little incontinence. I dripped down the hallway to the bathroom, changed my pants and put on a pad, wrapped my waist in a towel and then lay down on the bed to figure out what the heck to do!
I decided to reach Mark first. I knew that he would likely be in the middle of a rehearsal (it was just before 2 PM), but we had agreed he would keep his phone on vibrate so that I could text him if anything happened. So I sent him a text message, and then waited for a few minutes, and then tried calling him, but he didn't respond. My parents then called to tell me that they had forgotten Katie's swimsuit, and were headed back home. I told them my water broke, so we might have to adjust our afternoon plans. :) I then called the doctor's office, and they instructed me to head to the hospital.
Mark had still not replied at this point, so I called his number one more time, and then decided to try to reach someone else in the symphony to get a hold of him. I tried our friend Steve's cell phone number, since he works at the Symphony and would be able to reach Mark, but he did not answer. I did not have the personnel manager's phone number, but I remembered that another friend in the Symphony was not playing in the afternoon rehearsal, so I called her. She was very excited for us, and offered to call the personnel manager to get a hold of Mark. She sent me a text message confirming that she had reached the personnel manager, and he was on his way to the stage to tell Mark. A few minutes later, I got a very excited phone call from Mark telling me that he was on his way home! It ends up that they had just started a break in the rehearsal when the personnel manager came on stage to get Mark, and he was done with the day's rehearsal anyways. However, he was certainly not going to be at the rehearsal the following day or the weekend's concerts, so he had a brief discussion regarding getting a sub to cover his parts.
My parents arrived back home with the kids and they came to the bedroom where I told them it was time to go have the baby. Katie was very wide eyed and curious about the whole thing, but Ben was eager to express his desire to NOT go to Katie's swim lesson and instead stay home to play his Batman Wii game. :) My parents had told them in the car on the way home that it was time to have the baby, and apparently he showed a little more interest at that point.
I got out our hospital packing list, and my mom helped me put the final items we needed in our suitcase while Katie chatted at us and wanted to take everything back out of the suitcase. We ended up sending her to play with Grandpa in the living room. Mark arrived back home and finished packing the suitcase. We then took one final photo and loaded up the car to head to the hospital. It was time!
At this point, it was about 3:30 PM. I still was not having any real contractions. We got the hospital and went to the waiting room to be seen by a triage nurse. Apparently the hospital was VERY busy that afternoon, as I heard a woman complaining that she had been waiting with her friend to see the triage nurse for hours as she had not felt the baby move in a while. Of course I immediately worried about how our baby was faring, but fortunately Adam was giving little kicks here and there to let me know he was okay. So we sat in the waiting room and sent a few text messages to friends and family and continued to post on facebook. :) I think it was about 4:30 PM when I was called into the triage area to begin filling out paperwork --- it still surprises me how much paperwork you have to do at the hospital despite the lengthy forms you fill out in the pre-registration process.
I was asked to give a urine sample and then change into a gown for an examination. While I was changing into the gown, another gush of fluid flowed out on the floor next to the table. When the nurse came into the room, I warned her about it, and she said she would not need to perform the test to see whether my bag of water had truly broken. :) She then attempted to perform an examination to see how far dilated I was. Apparently my cervix was still very high, as she was having trouble figuring it out and it was QUITE uncomfortable. She then brought in another nurse to try to verify (really?!), and they determined I was about 2 cm dilated.
We were informed that my doctor was not on call that night, so his back-up (who I had never met) would be our doctor for the evening. I was heartbroken, as I had assumed that Dr Del was covering the week day nights --- I knew he alternated weekends off, but I assumed he would be there for the birth.
We were then assigned a room, so I put on a bathrobe and we walked over to the labor and delivery area. We were assigned to the same type of room that Katie was born in. The labor and delivery area is organized into "pods" and there are three rooms in each pod. 3/4 are identical, with the remaining room a fair amount smaller than the others. We were assigned the smaller room, but I was actually sort of pleased for the familiarity/nostalgia of being in a similar room to that where Katie was born.
It was now around 6:30 PM. Our first nurse came in and told us to get settled as she begin setting up all the monitors, etc. Mark got out the exercise ball and blew it up, and got out the laptop where we would use to play relaxing music. Shortly thereafter, I began to get hooked up to various things --- first the IV fluids, then the fetal monitor and contraction monitor, and finally a blood pressure cuff.
The anaesthesiologist arrived to talk about pain management (epidurals, etc) - and was really relaxed and talked a lot about how the various procedures worked. I told him that we may want an epidural, but wanted to wait to see if I really needed one, and warned him about the failed epidural during Katie's birth. He was very reassuring talking about how they worked, etc. The hospital we were at was a teaching hospital, so I asked him about his tenure --- I did NOT want to be a resident's first epidural! Fortunately, he was in his fourth year rotation, and would be an attending physician the following year. After he left, the nurse assured us that he was quite good, and so we decided that if I needed an epidural, we would allow him to do it versus requesting the attending physician.
The nurse then told us that they would be starting the pitocin shortly. I asked if we could wait, I was beginning to have some contractions, and wanted to delay true labor a bit anyways, in the hope that if I wasn't ready to deliver until the morning that Dr. Del would deliver the baby. She told us the doctor's orders were to start the pitocin soon, as the risk of infection increases with the amount of time that the water is broken. I was disappointed, as I wasn't sure whether this was Dr. Del's orders or that of his back-up.
Fortunately, the staff was quite busy, so they didn't come in to start the pitocin until about 8:30 PM. We also had several nurses come and go, informing us that they would be our nurse, and we liked some better than others, so didn't really mind a few of the changes. :) I asked again about delaying the pitocin to another nurse, and she said she would check the doctor's orders, as often Dr Del was fine with taking things slowly. She came back and confirmed, however, that he wanted to get started. Again, I wondered if they were Dr. Del's orders or his back-up. I enquired about having juice, somewhat as a test, as he allowed me to drink juice during Katie's induction --- and found out I was only allowed ice chips. I was really disappointed at this point, as I figured I was operating under the orders of a doctor I had never met.
Somewhere in these shift changes, though, a new nurse Ann was assigned to us, who would be with us throughout the rest of the labor and delivery, and she said something about talking to Dr. Del. I was really surprised and told her that I thought he wasn't on call. Apparently he had several women delivering that evening at the hospital, so he was going to come to the hospital! I was so relieved and grateful that we would be getting him after all! She told me he asked how I was handling the pitocin, and in the way she stated this, I knew that he knew/remembered that I was not keen on all the interventions. She told me that they would be turning it up very slowly, etc. I was just so relieved to be having our actual doctor for the evening!
More to come...
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Monday, July 01, 2013
The Waiting Game
I am writing this post at 37.5 weeks gestation --- yay! We made it to full term!
Our babies don't tend to come early --- Benjamin was born on his due date, and Katie was induced three days before her due date (with no indication she was trying to make her way out anytime soon) --- but we've had several friends who have had early births recently, and I am a bit older (35) this time around, so it was always in the back of my mind. I was quite excited to reach the 37 week mark.
Another reason I was glad to make it 37 weeks, is that at my 35 week appointment, I had high blood pressure - for the first time in my life, ever. It took about an hour in the doctor's office and four readings for it to go back down to an appropriate level. The doctor mentioned the possibility of needing to deliver early if it became an issue, so that obviously elevated my concern as well. But at the 35-week appointment, we agreed that I would take measures to slow down and I would come in the following week to see how things were going. I began mostly working from home following that appointment and cut down drastically on salt (something I have never paid attention to before), and got a normal BP reading at my 36 week appointment --- as well as lost 5 pounds in water weight and re-discovered my ankles! I then began working exclusively from home.
At my 37 week appointment, we had a biophysical profile ultrasound --- something I was worried about, because I was afraid they would find *something* that would warrant an early delivery. When I was 39 weeks pregnant with Katie, they did an ultrasound to check her positioning (because she had been sideways), and while she had turned head down, I had low amniotic fluid levels, which led to the necessity of being induced. Fortunately, everything looked perfect during this ultrasound! But my blood pressure was high again (it only took lying on my side for one additional reading to get it back down), so my doctor prescribed *mostly* bedrest, and I began disability leave from work.
So now I am just a couple of days away from my 38 week appointment, and they will complete another ultrasound as well. While it has been nice to be done working (although I actually did some additional work on my laptop from the easy chair Thursday & Friday last week --- it has been nice to tie up all the loose ends in a relaxed manner), I admit it is hard to actually rest when I think of all the things I could be doing with this free time! And I am a bit of a worrier, so every headache, etc. makes me think I'm getting pre-eclampsia.
Mark has been WONDERFUL in continuing to work (although this past week, fortunately, he has had a light schedule), doing all of the household tasks, and wrangling the kids so that I can actually rest. I'm getting quite skilled at playing Wii with Benjamin, although I still don't get the point of his Batman Lego Wii game, which he is rather obsessed with. And I'm enjoying playing games, stickers, coloring with Katie, etc. But I think we are both ready for my parents to arrive (tomorrow!) to help entertain the kids and give Mark some relief from all the household chores! He has a busy week coming up at work, so it would be very difficult for me to continue the bedrest while he is gone --- especially since both kids are home for the week from school.
Once my parents arrive, I'd love to just naturally go into labor and have this baby --- but I'm also prepared to wait it out another few weeks, assuming my blood pressure stays at reasonable levels. Fortunately they can stay for a few weeks, and assuming that I have an uncomplicated delivery, I'm much less daunted by the idea of taking care of two kids and a newborn than I am trying to be on bedrest with the two we already have.
We are getting rather eager to meet this baby! We bought a few new things (gender neutral) for the baby, and got out the bassinet this week. The hospital suitcase is out (although not packed), so we're beginning to make some progress. A boy and girl name have been picked. And we're rather eager to find out if this little one is going to be a boy or girl! For most of the pregnancy, we were very convinced that this was another boy --- but now we're beginning to have doubts! I'm carrying this one more like Katie at this point (he/she is sideways, but still moving around, so not concerned yet about positioning), and a lot of people are telling me they think it's a girl. So we'll see!
Either way, come on out and join us whenever you are ready, baby --- we're ready to meet you!
Our babies don't tend to come early --- Benjamin was born on his due date, and Katie was induced three days before her due date (with no indication she was trying to make her way out anytime soon) --- but we've had several friends who have had early births recently, and I am a bit older (35) this time around, so it was always in the back of my mind. I was quite excited to reach the 37 week mark.
Another reason I was glad to make it 37 weeks, is that at my 35 week appointment, I had high blood pressure - for the first time in my life, ever. It took about an hour in the doctor's office and four readings for it to go back down to an appropriate level. The doctor mentioned the possibility of needing to deliver early if it became an issue, so that obviously elevated my concern as well. But at the 35-week appointment, we agreed that I would take measures to slow down and I would come in the following week to see how things were going. I began mostly working from home following that appointment and cut down drastically on salt (something I have never paid attention to before), and got a normal BP reading at my 36 week appointment --- as well as lost 5 pounds in water weight and re-discovered my ankles! I then began working exclusively from home.
At my 37 week appointment, we had a biophysical profile ultrasound --- something I was worried about, because I was afraid they would find *something* that would warrant an early delivery. When I was 39 weeks pregnant with Katie, they did an ultrasound to check her positioning (because she had been sideways), and while she had turned head down, I had low amniotic fluid levels, which led to the necessity of being induced. Fortunately, everything looked perfect during this ultrasound! But my blood pressure was high again (it only took lying on my side for one additional reading to get it back down), so my doctor prescribed *mostly* bedrest, and I began disability leave from work.
So now I am just a couple of days away from my 38 week appointment, and they will complete another ultrasound as well. While it has been nice to be done working (although I actually did some additional work on my laptop from the easy chair Thursday & Friday last week --- it has been nice to tie up all the loose ends in a relaxed manner), I admit it is hard to actually rest when I think of all the things I could be doing with this free time! And I am a bit of a worrier, so every headache, etc. makes me think I'm getting pre-eclampsia.
Mark has been WONDERFUL in continuing to work (although this past week, fortunately, he has had a light schedule), doing all of the household tasks, and wrangling the kids so that I can actually rest. I'm getting quite skilled at playing Wii with Benjamin, although I still don't get the point of his Batman Lego Wii game, which he is rather obsessed with. And I'm enjoying playing games, stickers, coloring with Katie, etc. But I think we are both ready for my parents to arrive (tomorrow!) to help entertain the kids and give Mark some relief from all the household chores! He has a busy week coming up at work, so it would be very difficult for me to continue the bedrest while he is gone --- especially since both kids are home for the week from school.
Once my parents arrive, I'd love to just naturally go into labor and have this baby --- but I'm also prepared to wait it out another few weeks, assuming my blood pressure stays at reasonable levels. Fortunately they can stay for a few weeks, and assuming that I have an uncomplicated delivery, I'm much less daunted by the idea of taking care of two kids and a newborn than I am trying to be on bedrest with the two we already have.
We are getting rather eager to meet this baby! We bought a few new things (gender neutral) for the baby, and got out the bassinet this week. The hospital suitcase is out (although not packed), so we're beginning to make some progress. A boy and girl name have been picked. And we're rather eager to find out if this little one is going to be a boy or girl! For most of the pregnancy, we were very convinced that this was another boy --- but now we're beginning to have doubts! I'm carrying this one more like Katie at this point (he/she is sideways, but still moving around, so not concerned yet about positioning), and a lot of people are telling me they think it's a girl. So we'll see!
Either way, come on out and join us whenever you are ready, baby --- we're ready to meet you!
Sunday, June 09, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Completing our Family
Our little family of four can often seem quite hectic and overwhelming (hence the lack of posts since last August). We are having a lot of fun - but between Benjamin starting kindergarten in the fall, and my returning to work full time in November --- there just hasn't been a lot of time for "extras."
So what do we go and do? Add more mayhem to the mix! :)
In August, we adopted our now-forever dog Teddy. This was our third attempt to adopt a dog. The first didn't like kids, the second was a COMPLETE spazz. Who would have thought that the dog who would win our hearts and a place in our home would be a pitbull mix? I was VERY hesitant about him, with an attitude of "prove yourself, dog." But he did. He's WONDERFUL with the kids - particularly Benjamin. He sleeps in Ben's bed with him every night. And when Benjamin gets in his wild modes, and is loud and persistent in Teddy's face, the dog just licks him.
AND we decided to take the plunge...and have another baby! We were undecided about whether to have another child, and so waited a little longer than we might have otherwise. Hopefully that will play to our advantage to have slightly older children with a new baby in the house (Katie will be a few months over three; Ben will be six). Our kids seem so big to me now - I know they will seem huge when the baby arrives. While I am enjoying being pregnant one more time, I also feel peaceful about completing this stage of our lives and moving forward as a family of five (plus a dog).
So the news is out...I'm pregnant! We waited a bit longer to share the news about this pregnancy, as I didn't want Benjamin to overhear people talking about it before we were ready to share the news with him; but I also didn't want to tell Ben until we were ready for EVERYONE to know (because, as we guessed correctly, Benjamin likes to tell everyone he meets about the baby).
We're going to wait to be surprised about the gender until he/she is born. Ben wants a brother, Katie wants a sister, and Mark and I are undecided. Guess it's a good thing that we don't get to pick. :)
Here he/she is at our 12-week ultrasound. EDA: July 17, 2013.
So this should be the last news report you receive about our family growing...unless Mark someday gets his wish about getting a cat...Ugh, I have a hard time seeing that one coming. :)
So what do we go and do? Add more mayhem to the mix! :)
In August, we adopted our now-forever dog Teddy. This was our third attempt to adopt a dog. The first didn't like kids, the second was a COMPLETE spazz. Who would have thought that the dog who would win our hearts and a place in our home would be a pitbull mix? I was VERY hesitant about him, with an attitude of "prove yourself, dog." But he did. He's WONDERFUL with the kids - particularly Benjamin. He sleeps in Ben's bed with him every night. And when Benjamin gets in his wild modes, and is loud and persistent in Teddy's face, the dog just licks him.
AND we decided to take the plunge...and have another baby! We were undecided about whether to have another child, and so waited a little longer than we might have otherwise. Hopefully that will play to our advantage to have slightly older children with a new baby in the house (Katie will be a few months over three; Ben will be six). Our kids seem so big to me now - I know they will seem huge when the baby arrives. While I am enjoying being pregnant one more time, I also feel peaceful about completing this stage of our lives and moving forward as a family of five (plus a dog).
So the news is out...I'm pregnant! We waited a bit longer to share the news about this pregnancy, as I didn't want Benjamin to overhear people talking about it before we were ready to share the news with him; but I also didn't want to tell Ben until we were ready for EVERYONE to know (because, as we guessed correctly, Benjamin likes to tell everyone he meets about the baby).
We're going to wait to be surprised about the gender until he/she is born. Ben wants a brother, Katie wants a sister, and Mark and I are undecided. Guess it's a good thing that we don't get to pick. :)
Here he/she is at our 12-week ultrasound. EDA: July 17, 2013.
So this should be the last news report you receive about our family growing...unless Mark someday gets his wish about getting a cat...Ugh, I have a hard time seeing that one coming. :)
Friday, August 10, 2012
Goodbye St Andrews
Today was Benjamin's last day at his current pre-school. He began at this school when he was 19 months old, and has transitioned through the two toddler classrooms, before beginning his time in the early childhood classroom the day before he turned three.
He is now a few months older than five.
Mark and I attended his "goodbye circle" in which his friends and teachers wished him farewell in a simple, yet very touching ceremony.
After his goodbye circle, his teacher showed us some of his recent work (including reading and skip counting). We then enjoyed the last day of school yogurt (mind you, not ice cream here!) social, followed by splash day on the playground. Parents left, and the kids had a pizza party, and then the "non napping friends" went home, while the "nappers" (which in the EC classroom is only about 5 kids) stayed on for a short rest, before getting a chance to return to their "work." Benjamin chose his beloved blocks today.
In two weeks, Benjamin will begin kindergarten at our neighborhood public school. We get to walk him into his classroom the first day, but after that, our big boy gets curb side drop-off and pick-up.
Benjamin is ready to move on and take on the challenges that are ahead of him, I am confident of that. But I will miss the intimacy of the little pre-school that has been part of his daily routine for the past 3.5 years. I hope and trust that his new teacher will recognize what a beautiful child he is, and will continue to foster his sense of self.
But today, I am a bit tearful for the ending of this phase of our life.
Thank you, St Andrews, for all that you have provided for Benjamin. We will miss you.
He is now a few months older than five.
Mark and I attended his "goodbye circle" in which his friends and teachers wished him farewell in a simple, yet very touching ceremony.
After his goodbye circle, his teacher showed us some of his recent work (including reading and skip counting). We then enjoyed the last day of school yogurt (mind you, not ice cream here!) social, followed by splash day on the playground. Parents left, and the kids had a pizza party, and then the "non napping friends" went home, while the "nappers" (which in the EC classroom is only about 5 kids) stayed on for a short rest, before getting a chance to return to their "work." Benjamin chose his beloved blocks today.
In two weeks, Benjamin will begin kindergarten at our neighborhood public school. We get to walk him into his classroom the first day, but after that, our big boy gets curb side drop-off and pick-up.
Benjamin is ready to move on and take on the challenges that are ahead of him, I am confident of that. But I will miss the intimacy of the little pre-school that has been part of his daily routine for the past 3.5 years. I hope and trust that his new teacher will recognize what a beautiful child he is, and will continue to foster his sense of self.
But today, I am a bit tearful for the ending of this phase of our life.
Thank you, St Andrews, for all that you have provided for Benjamin. We will miss you.
Wednesday, February 08, 2012
One last time...
Finally, another blog entry!! I’ve actually been meaning to write this entry for a couple weeks now and am just now getting a chance to do it. Katherine is on the other side of the world with E-M (or was when I started writing this), and the kids are peacefully sleeping. Some of you know I recently took an audition. This one was for the Boston Symphony. I don’t take many of these things anymore because there just aren’t many orchestra jobs that would be worth moving us away from the many wonderful aspects of our life here in Houston – blessings really. But there are a few. Or maybe I should say “were” a few.
We really feel very fortunate here in Houston. We have dear friends here. My brother and his family are just a few hours away in Tyler – we enjoy our times together, and we love that the kids will grow up having real friendships with their cousins. I have a wonderful job that challenges me, but also leaves a few hours here and there for other passions outside of work and family. Katherine is valued at her job – so much so they give her an amazing amount of flexibility with her schedule and the ability to work part time. It would likely be very difficult to find a similar situation elsewhere.
So the decision to participate in this audition in Boston was a really difficult one. Comparing what you know you have now with what you think you might have in a new situation is almost impossible. So why even consider it given our general contentment here in Houston? Two reasons. First, I really do love orchestral music passionately. Certain pieces of music are always thrilling to play. Some leave you awestruck from how beautiful the music is. Others bring back special memories from past performances or earlier seasons of life. The very best orchestras like the Boston Symphony play at a level that truly is a significant step up from the others. The Houston Symphony is very capable, and on any given concert can perform incredibly well, sometimes even as well as the very best. But these top tier groups play like that on a daily basis. It is the norm for them. To be a part of something like that is very, very attractive. Second, I have a hard time putting aside ambition. A certain amount of ambition is, of course, a good and necessary thing. There’s a part of me that feels this journey can’t be complete until the very peak of the mountain has been reached. What I’m not sure about is whether this is really driven by a love for music, or is it just a pursuit of something bigger and better – a selfish ambition? If that’s the case, at some point the road has to end, and the disappointment will be the same whether it’s the Houston Symphony or the New York Phil. I’m not sure I’ll really ever answer that question, but it doesn’t need to be answered. I’m fairly confident this season of life has reached its end. Auditions take an enormous toll on those participating and their families. Truthfully, I just don’t know if the desire burns strong enough to go through this process again. Of the people I saw at the audition, only a handful were married, and I think I was the only one with children. Katherine has been a fabulously supportive wife for the last few auditions, particularly this last one. She selflessly took on the role of single mom, making huge sacrifices so I could pursue this dream. Even though I didn’t get the job, it was an incredibly positive experience, largely because of the demonstration of sacrificial love from my wife.
At some point, all orchestra players decide it’s time to stop pursuing the next big job. For many, that happens shortly after college without having earned a spot in an orchestra. I’m very fortunate that for me, it’s happened after finding a job in a great orchestra, one that I can really enjoy performing with for many years to come. But I feel pretty confident that time has come.
There’s a measure of sadness in writing that. I took my first audition when I was 22 years old, and they have been one of the most significant parts of life over the last 15 years, particularly before we moved to Texas. In total, I’ve taken over 30 professional auditions. During the early years of our marriage, there was so much hope associated with each one – could this be it? Will [insert city name] be our long term home? There have been two which ended with a job offer – Jacksonville and Houston. In both cases, I remember so clearly how much joy there was in dialing up Katherine and sharing the news with her. So it will be a little like saying goodbye to a friend who’s been with you for many years. And who knows, maybe when that next big audition announcement comes out, the fire will be reignited.
But for now, I’m really excited to move on to the next season of life. Indeed, there’s a lot to look forward to!
Sunday, February 05, 2012
Dubai!
I just got home Friday afternoon from a week long trip to Dubai! Hence, the reason I am writing this at 3 AM on Sunday morning. Still adjusting to the jet lag.
Wow, what an incredible trip. I have only been out of North America twice. The first time was about 6 years ago, before Ben was born, when I went to Milan, Italy for a few days --- for work. And for my second venture off the continent I got to travel to the Middle East. Pretty cool. And this was the longest I've left my family since Benjamin was born. I don't think I've left for more than two nights since Katie has been born.
The trip was just fantastic for a number of reasons. First, it just made me love my job and company even more (I traveled for work, of course). I am not "expected" to travel for my job, since I am still part-time, so the company paid for my mom's flight to Houston to help take care of the kids while I was gone! This made the decision for me to take the trip so much easier. We were able to time the trip to coincide with Mark's week off from work, but I needed to leave on Saturday afternoon (due to the length of the flight - 14 hours, plus the work week being different in Dubai - Sunday - Thursday), and Mark had a BIG concert this same weekend (I hope he'll write more about this --- he was a featured performer with the HSO...). So I didn't want to rely on babysitters for the weekend, and Benjamin is particularly sensitive about who tucks him in at night, so I wanted him to be with someone he was comfortable with. So it was really comforting to have my mom there to take care of the kids over the weekend while Mark was performing. She just stayed a few days, and then Mark had his first long-term adventure as a solo dad for two kids for Monday - Friday. They did incredibly! So good, in fact, that I'm looking for another opportunity to take a second trip to Dubai maybe this spring...
But beyond the timing (thanks, also, HSO, for giving Mark a personal day on Tuesday, so that we again, would not have to find a nighttime babysitter for the kids), the trip was pivotal for a few other reasons.
The first is, I got a taste of being just me again. Not the me that has two kids, is always trying to figure out how to balance work and home. Not the me that constantly deals with anxiety in regards to parenting (after a week off, I realize how anxious I truly am). Not the OCD me that wants the house to always be in order (please note that this does not mean the house IS always in order...far from it). Not the me worried about losing weight (gave up on this idea since I had much less control over the food for the week --- interestingly enough, I did not gain any weight over the trip despite having starbucks and full-sugar soda every day over the course of the trip).
I felt like I got to experience a few days back in time. I just had to just worry about myself for a week. And funny enough, even though this trip included a lot of "new" for me --- I traveled by myself to a part of the world I know little/nothing about (and I am NOT a seasoned traveler, and get lost very easily). I hardly knew anyone I was meeting at the office I was visiting. And I wasn't really sure what I was actually supposed to accomplish during my trip. But despite all this, I felt so light all week. I just had to get myself to the shipyard (more about what I was actually doing later) every day, figure out where to eat breakfast and dinner, and figure out how to make the most of my time with my colleagues and "accomplish" what I was supposed to for the trip. And to boot, I even ventured out (on my own --- again, pretty big for me) for a couple of tourist excursions.
So despite some jitters on the traveling/being on my own, and working long days --- 11-12 hours each day (which is particularly long for someone who usually only works 20-30 hours per week), the week felt so light and carefree to me. So very simple. Which is cool, because my trip to Milan seemed so stressful to me 6 years ago. I suppose that's one way having kids has changed me. When it's just me, "what's the worst that could happen" doesn't seem too bad. When it's my kids, the "worst case" always terrifies me.
So just getting to be just me, the professional me, was really fun and refreshing. It felt good to re-prove myself to my colleagues (our project manager was there for one day with me). The people I work with right now only have known me since I've worked part time, so I'm always struggling with doing less than everyone else, because, well, I'm part time. So to work hard every day, churning out work, felt good. I felt like I proved that I don't do less because I'm lazy. I do less because that's the choice I've made to balance out my family. But given the opportunity, I can still keep up with the rest. :)
And in the end, I did get a lot of job knowledge out of the trip. I got to know my colleagues that I had never met face-to-face, but with whom I trade daily emails and have early morning teleconferences. I got to build relationships with them, but more importantly, understand what they deal with every day. I got some of the data I needed to progress my work. I got an incredible tour of the shipyard (more on this later). So while I approached the trip not knowing exactly what I was supposed to do, I left with a feeling of accomplishment. And that just felt really good.
The second reason this trip ended up being so impactful (is that a word, looks like spell check says it's not, but I'm going to keep it anyways), is that it made me realize how anxious I normally am. Because while I was dealing with some anxiety from just traveling/being somewhere new, it was a more superficial anxiety --- and it was exhilarating to be able to overcome it.
I was really proud of myself for venturing out on my tourist excursions. Because I had every excuse not to --- I was jetlagged, exhausted from a long day at the shipyard, all alone and did not know my way around the city.
But I made the conscious decision to take in the experience. Who knows if I'll ever get to see the middle east again. I didn't want to miss out on this experience. So after I got back to the hotel, I dragged myself out again to see what I could experience at 8 PM in Dubai. And I'm so glad I did. A small part because I got to see a little bit of a different part of the world. But mostly because I did it on my own.
But again, back to the "revelation" --- I spend a lot of my day normally worried about what I am going to get done that day --- how I am going to balance the demands at work and the demands at home. And I spend a LOT of time worrying about my kids. Are they okay? Will they be okay? But mostly I focus on the question: will what I am doing make them okay or not okay? And there's no way to know. I want re-assurance that it all turns out okay in the end. And it brings on a lot of guilt.
I don't really know what to do with this knowledge. It's something that I've been somewhat aware of for a while now. But having a week off from those worries made me realize how constant the anxiety really is. So I feel a need to focus more on dealing with it. But I also feel a need to get to more often get a break from it. Because there are the ideals I hold in parenting, and then there is the reality of parenting.
I'm happier when I work more. Does that mean I should work 12 hour days? No. But it also means that maybe I should let go of the guilt, and hire a babysitter or nanny more often so that I can spend time on the other areas of my life that fill me up. While I would like to be the mom always accessible to her kids outside of the 6 hours per day that they are in school, I'm not sure that makes me the best mom for them. A few more hours with a babysitter traded for a less anxious mom? That's probably a better deal. Or perhaps the answer is finding a nanny who can take care of the kids at night so that I can take the opportunity to travel more.
Like I said, I don't know the answer. But I also don't want to just go back to how things were. I know that I can't be perfectly happy and carefree now --- raising young children is hard. The hardest thing I've ever done. And I don't want to trade out the long-term well being of my kids for current happiness. But I also think that I can be happier and more fulfilled than I have been, which in turn is better for my kids than simply logging the hours in with them.
I think that's all I really wanted to say.
But now --- on to the purpose of my trip...
So I am currently working cost / schedule for my project --- which is turning two ships into marine well containment vessels. It's a joint venture project between the oil majors, which is the industry's response to the big BP disaster in the Gulf of Mexico in the summer of 2010. The ships that we are modifying are in a shipyard in Dubai --- and just began modifications in mid-December.
So I went out to meet with the site team to get better aligned with my counterparts --- both within in my company, as well as the contractor in the shipyard.
While I was there, I got an incredible tour of the shipyard and our ship. The tour of the shipyard was on...bike! In fact, that's how everybody gets around the shipyard. It was really cool to be biking around to check out the different parts of the shipyard. We shared the roads with people walking, other bikers, cars/trucks and machines. A different reality, for sure!
Then I got a tour of the ship itself. I even got to climb down manholes on ladders to check out the inside of the vessels. Made me realize that I'm a bit nervous about heights. But again, proud of myself for doing it --- who knows the next time I'll be able to climb down into the hull of a ship?!
So, thank you, Dubai for such an incredible experience!
By the way, apparently when Benjamin grows up, he's going to come work with me, and we're going to go to Dubai together. Just he and me. And while I was gone, he made a "welcome home mom, I love you" sign at school. And he pasted together an UAE flag. Which I just ADORE. He's been really interested in Dubai. It's pretty cool. And Katie says "Dubai" in the cutest way imaginable.
Wow, what an incredible trip. I have only been out of North America twice. The first time was about 6 years ago, before Ben was born, when I went to Milan, Italy for a few days --- for work. And for my second venture off the continent I got to travel to the Middle East. Pretty cool. And this was the longest I've left my family since Benjamin was born. I don't think I've left for more than two nights since Katie has been born.
The trip was just fantastic for a number of reasons. First, it just made me love my job and company even more (I traveled for work, of course). I am not "expected" to travel for my job, since I am still part-time, so the company paid for my mom's flight to Houston to help take care of the kids while I was gone! This made the decision for me to take the trip so much easier. We were able to time the trip to coincide with Mark's week off from work, but I needed to leave on Saturday afternoon (due to the length of the flight - 14 hours, plus the work week being different in Dubai - Sunday - Thursday), and Mark had a BIG concert this same weekend (I hope he'll write more about this --- he was a featured performer with the HSO...). So I didn't want to rely on babysitters for the weekend, and Benjamin is particularly sensitive about who tucks him in at night, so I wanted him to be with someone he was comfortable with. So it was really comforting to have my mom there to take care of the kids over the weekend while Mark was performing. She just stayed a few days, and then Mark had his first long-term adventure as a solo dad for two kids for Monday - Friday. They did incredibly! So good, in fact, that I'm looking for another opportunity to take a second trip to Dubai maybe this spring...
But beyond the timing (thanks, also, HSO, for giving Mark a personal day on Tuesday, so that we again, would not have to find a nighttime babysitter for the kids), the trip was pivotal for a few other reasons.
The first is, I got a taste of being just me again. Not the me that has two kids, is always trying to figure out how to balance work and home. Not the me that constantly deals with anxiety in regards to parenting (after a week off, I realize how anxious I truly am). Not the OCD me that wants the house to always be in order (please note that this does not mean the house IS always in order...far from it). Not the me worried about losing weight (gave up on this idea since I had much less control over the food for the week --- interestingly enough, I did not gain any weight over the trip despite having starbucks and full-sugar soda every day over the course of the trip).
I felt like I got to experience a few days back in time. I just had to just worry about myself for a week. And funny enough, even though this trip included a lot of "new" for me --- I traveled by myself to a part of the world I know little/nothing about (and I am NOT a seasoned traveler, and get lost very easily). I hardly knew anyone I was meeting at the office I was visiting. And I wasn't really sure what I was actually supposed to accomplish during my trip. But despite all this, I felt so light all week. I just had to get myself to the shipyard (more about what I was actually doing later) every day, figure out where to eat breakfast and dinner, and figure out how to make the most of my time with my colleagues and "accomplish" what I was supposed to for the trip. And to boot, I even ventured out (on my own --- again, pretty big for me) for a couple of tourist excursions.
So despite some jitters on the traveling/being on my own, and working long days --- 11-12 hours each day (which is particularly long for someone who usually only works 20-30 hours per week), the week felt so light and carefree to me. So very simple. Which is cool, because my trip to Milan seemed so stressful to me 6 years ago. I suppose that's one way having kids has changed me. When it's just me, "what's the worst that could happen" doesn't seem too bad. When it's my kids, the "worst case" always terrifies me.
So just getting to be just me, the professional me, was really fun and refreshing. It felt good to re-prove myself to my colleagues (our project manager was there for one day with me). The people I work with right now only have known me since I've worked part time, so I'm always struggling with doing less than everyone else, because, well, I'm part time. So to work hard every day, churning out work, felt good. I felt like I proved that I don't do less because I'm lazy. I do less because that's the choice I've made to balance out my family. But given the opportunity, I can still keep up with the rest. :)
And in the end, I did get a lot of job knowledge out of the trip. I got to know my colleagues that I had never met face-to-face, but with whom I trade daily emails and have early morning teleconferences. I got to build relationships with them, but more importantly, understand what they deal with every day. I got some of the data I needed to progress my work. I got an incredible tour of the shipyard (more on this later). So while I approached the trip not knowing exactly what I was supposed to do, I left with a feeling of accomplishment. And that just felt really good.
The second reason this trip ended up being so impactful (is that a word, looks like spell check says it's not, but I'm going to keep it anyways), is that it made me realize how anxious I normally am. Because while I was dealing with some anxiety from just traveling/being somewhere new, it was a more superficial anxiety --- and it was exhilarating to be able to overcome it.
I was really proud of myself for venturing out on my tourist excursions. Because I had every excuse not to --- I was jetlagged, exhausted from a long day at the shipyard, all alone and did not know my way around the city.
But I made the conscious decision to take in the experience. Who knows if I'll ever get to see the middle east again. I didn't want to miss out on this experience. So after I got back to the hotel, I dragged myself out again to see what I could experience at 8 PM in Dubai. And I'm so glad I did. A small part because I got to see a little bit of a different part of the world. But mostly because I did it on my own.
But again, back to the "revelation" --- I spend a lot of my day normally worried about what I am going to get done that day --- how I am going to balance the demands at work and the demands at home. And I spend a LOT of time worrying about my kids. Are they okay? Will they be okay? But mostly I focus on the question: will what I am doing make them okay or not okay? And there's no way to know. I want re-assurance that it all turns out okay in the end. And it brings on a lot of guilt.
I don't really know what to do with this knowledge. It's something that I've been somewhat aware of for a while now. But having a week off from those worries made me realize how constant the anxiety really is. So I feel a need to focus more on dealing with it. But I also feel a need to get to more often get a break from it. Because there are the ideals I hold in parenting, and then there is the reality of parenting.
I'm happier when I work more. Does that mean I should work 12 hour days? No. But it also means that maybe I should let go of the guilt, and hire a babysitter or nanny more often so that I can spend time on the other areas of my life that fill me up. While I would like to be the mom always accessible to her kids outside of the 6 hours per day that they are in school, I'm not sure that makes me the best mom for them. A few more hours with a babysitter traded for a less anxious mom? That's probably a better deal. Or perhaps the answer is finding a nanny who can take care of the kids at night so that I can take the opportunity to travel more.
Like I said, I don't know the answer. But I also don't want to just go back to how things were. I know that I can't be perfectly happy and carefree now --- raising young children is hard. The hardest thing I've ever done. And I don't want to trade out the long-term well being of my kids for current happiness. But I also think that I can be happier and more fulfilled than I have been, which in turn is better for my kids than simply logging the hours in with them.
I think that's all I really wanted to say.
But now --- on to the purpose of my trip...
So I am currently working cost / schedule for my project --- which is turning two ships into marine well containment vessels. It's a joint venture project between the oil majors, which is the industry's response to the big BP disaster in the Gulf of Mexico in the summer of 2010. The ships that we are modifying are in a shipyard in Dubai --- and just began modifications in mid-December.
So I went out to meet with the site team to get better aligned with my counterparts --- both within in my company, as well as the contractor in the shipyard.
While I was there, I got an incredible tour of the shipyard and our ship. The tour of the shipyard was on...bike! In fact, that's how everybody gets around the shipyard. It was really cool to be biking around to check out the different parts of the shipyard. We shared the roads with people walking, other bikers, cars/trucks and machines. A different reality, for sure!
Then I got a tour of the ship itself. I even got to climb down manholes on ladders to check out the inside of the vessels. Made me realize that I'm a bit nervous about heights. But again, proud of myself for doing it --- who knows the next time I'll be able to climb down into the hull of a ship?!
So, thank you, Dubai for such an incredible experience!
By the way, apparently when Benjamin grows up, he's going to come work with me, and we're going to go to Dubai together. Just he and me. And while I was gone, he made a "welcome home mom, I love you" sign at school. And he pasted together an UAE flag. Which I just ADORE. He's been really interested in Dubai. It's pretty cool. And Katie says "Dubai" in the cutest way imaginable.
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