One last time...

Finally, another blog entry!! I’ve actually been meaning to write this entry for a couple weeks now and am just now getting a chance to do it. Katherine is on the other side of the world with E-M (or was when I started writing this), and the kids are peacefully sleeping. Some of you know I recently took an audition. This one was for the Boston Symphony. I don’t take many of these things anymore because there just aren’t many orchestra jobs that would be worth moving us away from the many wonderful aspects of our life here in Houston – blessings really. But there are a few. Or maybe I should say “were” a few.

     We really feel very fortunate here in Houston. We have dear friends here. My brother and his family are just a few hours away in Tyler – we enjoy our times together, and we love that the kids will grow up having real friendships with their cousins. I have a wonderful job that challenges me, but also leaves a few hours here and there for other passions outside of work and family. Katherine is valued at her job  – so much so they give her an amazing amount of flexibility with her schedule and the ability to work part time. It would likely be very difficult to find a similar situation elsewhere.

       So the decision to participate in this audition in Boston was a really difficult one. Comparing what you know you have now with what you think you might have in a new situation is almost impossible. So why even consider it given our general contentment here in Houston? Two reasons. First, I really do love orchestral music passionately. Certain pieces of music are always thrilling to play. Some leave you awestruck from how beautiful the music is. Others bring back special memories from past performances or earlier seasons of life. The very best orchestras like the Boston Symphony play at a level that truly is a significant step up from the others. The Houston Symphony is very capable, and on any given concert can perform incredibly well, sometimes even as well as the very best. But these top tier groups play like that on a daily basis. It is the norm for them. To be a part of something like that is very, very attractive. Second, I have a hard time putting aside ambition. A certain amount of ambition is, of course, a good and necessary thing. There’s a part of me that feels this journey can’t be complete until the very peak of the mountain has been reached. What I’m not sure about is whether this is really driven by a love for music, or is it just a pursuit of something bigger and better – a selfish ambition? If that’s the case, at some point the road has to end, and the disappointment will be the same whether it’s the Houston Symphony or the New York Phil. I’m not sure I’ll really ever answer that question, but it doesn’t need to be answered. I’m fairly confident this season of life has reached its end. Auditions take an enormous toll on those participating and their families. Truthfully, I just don’t know if the desire burns strong enough to go through this process again. Of the people I saw at the audition, only a handful were married, and I think I was the only one with children. Katherine has been a fabulously supportive wife for the last few auditions, particularly this last one. She selflessly took on the role of single mom, making huge sacrifices so I could pursue this dream. Even though I didn’t get the job, it was an incredibly positive experience, largely because of the demonstration of sacrificial love from my wife.

      At some point, all orchestra players decide it’s time to stop pursuing the next big job. For many, that happens shortly after college without having earned a spot in an orchestra. I’m very fortunate that for me, it’s happened after finding a job in a great orchestra, one that I can really enjoy performing with for many years to come. But I feel pretty confident that time has come.

     There’s a measure of sadness in writing that. I took my first audition when I was 22 years old, and they have been one of the most significant parts of life over the last 15 years, particularly before we moved to Texas. In total, I’ve taken over 30 professional auditions. During the early years of our marriage, there was so much hope associated with each one – could this be it? Will [insert city name] be our long term home? There have been two which ended with a job offer – Jacksonville and Houston. In both cases, I remember so clearly how much joy there was in dialing up Katherine and sharing the news with her. So it will be a little like saying goodbye to a friend who’s been with you for many years. And who knows, maybe when that next big audition announcement comes out, the fire will be reignited.

But for now, I’m really excited to move on to the next season of life. Indeed, there’s a lot to look forward to!