Awesome Father's Day Gift

Hello friends! This is Mark writing - wow has it been forever since I've made a blog entry! The last few months have been pretty hectic, as you've seen in Katherine's last few posts. I'm writing from a hotel room in the lovely east Texas town of Lufkin. Some of you may remember the last time I took a trip to an east Texas hotel room from a previous blog entry: Best Gift Ever. Just over a week ago, on Father's Day, I got a certificate from Katherine and the kids offering another airplane-building trip. I know to some this is an odd gift to give your husband, but I think it's absolutely wonderful, and an indication of how well Katherine knows me. Even after four years, I still haven't totally adjusted to life with kids, and I really enjoy these little trips. First of all, there's the drive - Texas has some pretty scenery and it's such a treat just to let your mind wander uninterrupted for a few hours. Working on the airplane is so much fun. I love doing stuff with my hands - cooking, car repairs, etc - so it's rewarding in that way. It's also fun because it's a little version of one of my big dreams - to build a real airplane of a similar design. And of course, how often does a parent with young kids get to spend an entire day doing whatever he wants?
      It really is a wonderful gift, and I'm very, VERY thankful to Katherine. With symphony concerts every weekend, she does a ton of the kids' evening routine (hardest part of the day for sure!) by herself. She's very giving to volunteer a few extra nights while I enjoy this most excellent father's day present. Another thing that makes this special is that I went on one of these trips just a couple months ago. This one was a total surprise! Thank you Katherine!

For those of you interested, here's the work I did on the plane. I finished putting the iron-on covering on the wing, managing to burn a hole in it with the heat gun. Bummer - had to iron on a patch piece. I mated the control surfaces (the moving parts) to the plane. Lots of precision cutting for that - took a while. I repainted one of the wheel pants which was dropped in some grass with previously applied wet paint. I installed the tailwheel axle and marked hole locations for access to the engine adjustments. Didn't have the right drill bit here so that will have to get done at home. Finally, I put on some color stripes! There's some more of that to do at home when I have another set of hands to help. Here are some pictures:

The Next Phase

Wow - where do I begin?  I have been so bad about updating this blog --- something I know I will regret --- I already do.  But our lives have just seemed so busy - it feels like it's hard to keep up enough to just get through everything that needs to be done every day, and it just doesn't feel like there's enough time or energy left after it all to sit down and reflect on our lives.

But I do love capturing these memories - I often look back at old blog posts to remember what we were doing / how we were feeling when we were at earlier stages in our lives --- or at least the past few years, since we've been blogging.

And I love sharing these reflections with you, my friends, and hearing your thoughts back.  For some of you, this is about the only form of communication I can seem to keep up with these days.  Sorry about that.  But this too, shall pass, and someday we will have older children and picking up the phone won't seem so difficult.

So how is it that I am managing to collect my thoughts enough and find the time to sit down and blog at 11:30 on a Wednesday afternoon?

It's because we have now entered "the next phase" for our family.

I am now officially a "regular" part-timer with my job --- which means I work 20-30 hours per week.  At about the same time I returned to this status (May 1), I was also assigned a new role --- while still keeping many elements of my old role.  So instead of trying to work a 20-hour per week job in 8 hours, I am now trying to work two part-time jobs in 20-30 hours per week.  So goes life (remember the "There is no normal" post?).  I feel like I'm at least getting used to the idea that life is just not going to go according to my plans (yes, it's only taken me 33 years to figure this one out) - and I'm learning to compromise a bit more.  And while my work is very important to me, and I want to be reliable to my supervisors/co-workers, I'm trying to push back a little bit more so that every request at work doesn't come at the cost of my family.  In fact, today, I was going to log in from home for a couple of hours and ultimately decided that what I was going to work on could wait until I am back in the office tomorrow.  Go me. :)

So, May and the first part of June have been a little tough.  Because I was working more hours and we still did not have Katie in school.  We did discover and enroll Katie in a dedicated corporate back-up center (more on that later, maybe)?  She went here two days a week for much of the month of May.  This was an extroadinary benefit, and I am so grateful for being able to use this service.  And then we had Ben's former babysitter, who is home from college, watch her a few mornings a week for the last part of May.  But all that planning / juggling was tough.

Ben had a week off from school the first week of June, and my parents came out to celebrate his fourth birthday with us and help us out with the kids.  I took that week off for vacation - to spend time with Ben and also hang out with Katie - as it was to be her last week home before starting school!  We had a really nice visit and did some fun things together.

It blows my mind, though, that we now have a four year old son.  Four seems so much older than three.

And last week Katie began and completed her transition (Friday was her first full day, including napping at school) into the Toddler community at Ben's (and now her's also!) school.  This transition was SO much easier than beginning school with Ben.  And by easier, I mean for me.  Both kids have transitioned into school environments very easily --- no tears from either of them!  But deciding to have Ben start school was difficult for me, and I faced a lot of doubts and fears in letting go of this control.  With Katie it has been so much easier, as she started in the same room with the same two teachers that Ben did a few years ago.  And the summer time classes are much smaller, so it's a more intimate environment.

The experience of helping Katie transition into school was a joyful and sentimental one for me.  It brought back such vivid memories of spending time in the same classroom with Benjamin at a similar age (he was a few months older when we started him at this school).  It made me miss my baby Benjamin, and made me sentimental that my baby Katie was no longer a baby, but a toddler.  It almost brought tears to my eyes when I looked in the window at pick-up time to see her sleeping on her nap mat --- such a big girl, not my baby in a crib!  And it made me sentimental that this very long, drawn out baby moon was coming to an end.  I was no longer on maternity leave.  I was no longer on a reduced, post-maternity leave work schedule.  I no longer had a baby to tote around with me everywhere (although, truthfully, this part is mostly a relief!).  I would now be in a new, "normal" schedule.  Dropping two kids off at school, then going to work.

But it's also exciting to be able to do more things now that we have two kids, and not one child plus a baby.  Part of this is that Katie is now walking --- really just began about a month ago.  So it feels like she can do more, experience more and not just be along for the ride.  And it is exciting to be able to regain some of myself back --- it's hard to not get all encompassed in motherhood.  As the years (!) seem to zip by ever faster, I am increasingly aware of how very short these early, hard years of parenting are.  I want to be able to recognize myself when I come out of this phase --- as much for me as for the rest of my family.  I want to have interests and passions outside of raising children.  I want to have activities and plans and dreams that Mark and I can share alone when we are empty nesters.

So it feels good to sit down on this Wednesday afternoon and do something that I want to do.  Even if it means letting the dishes pile up a little higher, a few more emails sit unreplied to, and a couple of outstanding requests from colleagues wait for another day to get fulfilled.  I hope nobody minds. :)

Perhaps dear blog readers, we will meet again next Wednesday?

Oh, I think I never officially stated how it is that I'm home without kids on a Wednesday...I've adjusted my work schedule so that I work four days per week, and spend one day a week at home while the kids are in school.  Something that absolutely delights me, and I hope will help me keep balanced.

Adorable Children

...if I do say so myself. :)

We've had three photo shoots since December (extended Griffith family, Katie only, and Katie & Ben) --- and I have yet to post more than the just one family picture in this Blog.  So here is a picture from the most recent photo shoot.  It made me smile immediately when I saw it.

I have so much more I would like to write about...returning to work on a "regular" part-time basis (20-30 hours per week) and my new role, our attempts to *do* something about frustrations in our lives (getting healthier, getting more help, etc.), and progress on recent Projects (our yard is being dug up as I write this!)...but that will all have to wait since I just got a call from Ben's school that he is not feeling well, so I need to go pick him up now.  (as a reminder, see post below --- this is our life!)

In the meantime, enjoy the picture.  How quickly they grow!

There is No Normal

I know I begin every post this way, but it does just amaze me how quickly the time is flying by --- and how very little I am blogging, despite all my intentions to blog, and all the things I want to share about the kids, our family life, etc.

Anyone who even knows me a little, knows how very OCD I can be.  So it shouldn't be surprising that I feel such urgency to get everything in order --- and that often causes me to put "extra" things off until I gain a sense of control over whatever is out-of-order in the moment --- whether it be a cluttered house, things left undone for work, or a full email or inbox at home.  But as we draw closer to the next "stage" of our family life --- me returning to work half-time, and Katie about to begin school, the reality is beginning to set in for me that there really is no "normal" when you are raising two young children with two variable work schedules.

I sort of keep waiting for our lives to "settle down" before I address some things that just need to be taken care of.  Or I spend hours scripting the perfect plans to balance work demands and family life to have everything unravel by unexpected changes in agenda at work, or sick children at home.  And the reality of our lives are that:

• (A) Our plans unravel very easily.  Children are unpredictable in their needs.  I am in a very unconventional position at work.  My colleagues and manager are not used to accommodating such an unusual / reduced schedule --- and as such often put stress on me without realizing it (at least I don't think they realize it).  When the plans unravel, we often don't have a lot of back-up choices.
• (B) We need more help --- in general, but particularly when (A) happens.

The other realization I have come to - which relates to that above - is that I can't be a stay-at-home mom and work part-time.  Yes, this should seem obvious, but when I'm "only" supposed to be working 8 hours per week --- with much of it from home, I feel like I should be able to do everything a stay-at-home mom can do and also meet my obligations at work.  I can't.

When the baby is taking 2-3 hour solid naps per day, everyone is healthy, and nothing unexpected happens at work, this is sometimes doable.  But then I also don't feel like I am being fair to myself or my family to use all that napping time to get my paid work done --- because then I'm spending our family time trying to get all the other things done that are required to run a household or even just keeping up with my own personal life.  Of I let those things go, and am in a state of frustration because of it.

And then throw in the days when Katie only takes a 20 minute catnap in the car, or my manager calls with some work that needs to be done by the end of the day, or Benjamin gets sick yet again, and all those great intentions are thrown out the window.  And I'm left trying to distract an overtired, whiny baby while I desperately try to log into my company laptop (which has picked the perfect time to be not working yet AGAIN), while turning on another episode of Diego for my almost-four year old (this part thrills him, but makes me feel like a sub-standard parent), and then call my husband to ask if he can cancel his afternoon plans to take care of the kids yet AGAIN while I run to the office to finish up some work.  Not fun.  And not fair to anyone.

So what is the trade-off?  Who compromises?  What is the perfect balance?

I feel like I'm coming to peace with the idea that everyone compromises, and in the end there are advantages and disadvantages to doing things the way we do them.  And even with our situation / and the sometimes sub-standard choices we make, if we changed approach, we would simply trade this for another situation and would make the occasional different sub-standard decisions.  Because that's life - and there is no perfect solution.  And I'm still convinced that our approach is the right way to approach our family (not every family, but our family).  I need to pursue work.  As stressful and complicated as our lives have been over the last few weeks (my work has gotten much more demanding - and as a result, my 8-hours per week has turned into 20-30 hours), it's also been invigorating for me to step out of the mostly-mommy role and meet these professional demands.  To get recognition for getting the job done.  Yes, I've seen a bit less of the kids.  Yes, Mark has been a bit overwhelmed with every day me assuring him that this is the LAST day before it will get easier (then a deadline gets moved, or some scope gets added to my project).  Yes, I did pack up Ben in the car to take him to school despite knowing he wasn't feeling well, because well, I needed to get some work done.   To my credit, when he told me his ear hurt on the way to school, I did turn the car around and bring him home.  And put him in front of the TV for a couple episodes of Diego while I called into work hoping the baby would stay asleep and he would be appeased with the TV.  (FYI, that was short-lived - as soon as I was on my conference call, Ben came in wanting attention, so I paced the floor trying with him following me to keep him at bay while I finished up my call).

So it sounds insane, right?  It is sometimes.  But I also think if I stop expecting things to "settle down," and start planning for a more hectic, unreliable normal, then we'll be better prepared for all these "surprises."  And I can be more fair to everyone involved.  But it also means letting go of some control and doing things that maybe are less than ideal in my OCD world.  But compromise means compromise.  I can't be a perfect mom in all of this.  But if I gave up my work, I still wouldn't be a perfect mom.  So in some ways, I think it's time I stop trying, and I start facing the reality of the demands of our lives, and accept that a few things need to change.

Like we need more help with the household chores.  I could try to work less hours and devote more time to keeping up with our laundry and dishes.  But financially that wouldn't make sense --- I make more per hour than a housekeeper.  And truthfully, I would rather work than fold laundry.  And the number of hours I work is due to job demands, not really an arbitrary number --- so I'd have to face saying "no" at work to do this.  Not fun and not smart career-wise.  So this means getting over the (self-imposed) stigma or employing someone to do some of our domestic chores.  And giving up the control of doing them the way I would do them.  And giving a stranger access to our house.  All these things are hard for me to do.  But hard doesn't necessarily mean wrong.

And we need more help with child care.  This is really the hard one for me.  When my plans go perfectly, Mark and I can balance childcare needs between our two jobs.  But then there's the reality of things like Ben's third ear infection in two months, followed by today's call from school that he had jumped head first off the playground structure  (don't worry he seems okay --- he's napping at home now after I went to school to sign the "incident report form" (hard to believe this our first with this daredevil son), so I can keep an eye on him).  And then there are the daily uncertainties of what the manager's manager's manager will want from our workgroup (ASAP!) for our most recent project because what we are doing is new, and no one knows what to expect.


 So even though Katie is starting school in two months, I'm also looking into some of the benefits my company offers --- such as a back-up care nanny that you can call for one-off babysitting when needed to fulfill job demands.  Having a stranger come to my house to watch my children while I am gone is just shy of terrifying for me.  But just because it makes me nervous doesn't mean that it can't be done.  I just need to stop avoiding the idea and at least make the effort to find out what it involves so I can make a truly informed decision.

Just when I thought things would be quite for a few more moments, Katie has woken up early from her nap (of course).  So while this post may be a less than coherent post, it felt good to blog about this moment in our lives, and the things that are on my mind.  I think it's safe to say it's just another "normal" day in the Griffith household.  So it's time to accept what is our life and stop waiting for things to change.  Because they always will.

(and because the pictures have been lacking lately, here's one from a family photoshoot taken in December):

Cleveland

Wow, has it really been 2.5 months since I wrote a blog post?  Clearly, blogging has not made it to the top of my list lately.  I really do enjoy blogging, and I love documenting little details about our lives for our children to read later.  There are quite a few things I want to blog about, but before too much more time passes, I really want to write about our recent "adventure" back into the world of percussion auditions.  And with the help of our new favorite person (aka Ben & Katie's new babysitter!), I have about 1.5 hours of uninterrupted computer time right now - so I am sitting here in Panera with my iced tea and computer, while Mark sits across from me reading his airplane book.  Quite luxurious for a Saturday afternoon!  So, here we go.

So as you probably gathered, Mark recently took an audition with the Cleveland Orchestra (no need to read ahead, he did not win it, and we are staying here in Houston). :)  This was an unusual audition for a number of reasons, which I will explain shortly.  But what an adventure we had as he got ready for this one!  The last audition Mark took was when Ben was about 4 months old, and it was a horrible, horrible experience.  Obviously, we were still adjusting to life with a baby, I had recently returned to work (and had not yet figured out how to work part-time, so was working very long hours with no babysitter/daycare), Mark had his usual work with the Houston Symphony, and also had taken on a couple of additional musical engagements.  We were stressed out, worn out and generally miserable.  On top of all that, the audition process was unfair, and we felt like all that hard work was for naught.  I don't remember if we consciously decided at that point that this was going to be his last audition, but over the next few years, I came to really appreciate my job (see previous post 'Working Girl' for a few of the reasons why), we developed some really good friends, and came to like Houston pretty well (except for the last few months of summer, when the heat and most notably the mosquitos hang around just a little too long).

There have actually been quite a few auditions in the last few years, and Mark would always casually mention what was coming up, but it would be in passing, and we never considered taking another audition very seriously.  And that's even the case when an audition for the Principal Percussionist with the Cleveland Orchestra was announced in May.  Truthfully, I don't even remember Mark talking much about it.  Of course the timing probably couldn't have been worse --- we were still adjusting to our very loud newborn daughter, and had our "map" all laid out of my maternity leave, return to work, etc.

However, this was not just another percussion job.  First, it's the Cleveland Orchestra --- which is one of (if not the) best orchestras in the world.  And this was the principal percussionist position.  So top dog in the top symphony.  No small potatoes.

But, again, we are happy in Houston.  That would have been a very different summer if Mark had been trying to get ready for an audition.  And the Cleveland style is a bit different than many other orchestras, and Mark didn't think his style of playing would be a great match.  But out of curiosity, Mark sent in his resume to see if he would be invited to audition.  And he was.  But still with very little conversation about the audition, we let that one slide into the list of the others that had come up over the past few years that Mark sat out.

The audition was held in September.  About a dozen percussionists were invited to play, and one percussionist was of particular interest to the audition committee, but being rather young, he was not selected for the job.  So there was no "winner" for this audition.

Then, right after Thanksgiving, Mark received a call from the personnel manager of the Cleveland Orchestra inviting him to a second audition.  This one was not going to follow standard protocol.  First, they would be flying Mark out for the audition and putting him up in a hotel (usually travel/lodging are paid for by the auditionee).  The audition would not be screened, and it was limited to a handful (7 to be exact) of percussionists that were individually selected by someone (we still don't know who, but we think it was the music director).

This was a huge honor.  But still, we had our minds set that Houston was our home.  How could I give up my great part-time work situation?  So while we were impressed by the invitation, Mark planned to turn it down.

But then something happened.  Mark brought up the audition again over the next couple of days.  And he talked about it again.  Clearly, this was not an easy audition for him to turn down.  So we started to talk about it.  And I think, that's where the real adventure began.


So what was there to decide?  While it may seem "obvious" that this prestigious position would be Mark's preference, it was not so easy.  First, Mark has a lot of outside interests besides the symphony.  And his current position allows him much more free time to pursue all of these interests.  As a section percussionist with the Houston Symphony, he gets more time off, since if there is just one percussionist needed for a piece, the principal percussionist plays, and Mark gets that concert off.  He also doesn't have to spend all that extra time assigning parts, procuring instruments, or dealing with personnel matters.  Was he willing to give up / delay some of his other interests (namely flying and his desire to build an experimental aircraft)?  Where did work fit into Mark's big picture of happiness?

Then we also learned that there were some major personnel issues within the percussion section --- a few wild card personalities that clashed pretty dramatically (including a lawsuit between the timpanist and one of the percussionists).  Did Mark want to deal with this drama daily?

Then there was of course all the change that this would mean for me.  First, I've been really happy at work lately.  Obviously all the flexibility is great --- but I'm also succeeding there.  I fit well within the culture, and I have a good reputation with my colleagues.  It was hard to imagine giving that up, and trying to start new somewhere else.  But I wouldn't say that my job is my passion --- so I also knew that I couldn't let Mark give up such a great opportunity without further exploring my other options.  But still, I was worried about how I could find part-time work in a new place.  But then we got talking some more.  What if I didn't have to work?  The Cleveland position would practically double Mark's salary.  So I could just stay home.  Wow.  If that were really a choice, would I want to do it?  How would I feel being in a more "traditional" role --- doing most of the child care by myself while Mark was at work (which would now be considerably more hours).

Then there was the travel.  The Cleveland Orchestra is on tour for 8-10 weeks per year.  Would I be miserable in a new town, home alone with two young children for that many weeks in the first few years?  I figured it would get easier over time, as we got used to the arrangement, and the children weren't quite so needy.  It was a lot to process.

But we kept talking about it over the next few days.  We began to realize that Mark needed to take this audition.  We didn't want to face the "what if" if we changed our minds later - to not have even tried.

So what if Mark took this audition...and won?  Could we stop there?  Could he really turn it down if we decided that it wasn't what we wanted?  There is a one year "probationary" period before tenure is granted.  So there is a chance that even if he won the job and we moved our family out to Cleveland, that he could be fired after a year.  Fortunately, the Houston Symphony allows a one year leave of absence, so he should be able to return to his job if that were to happen.  But what about me?  Did I want to leave my job if there was a chance I would be looking for work again in a year?  We briefly tossed around the idea of me staying in Houston with the kids while Mark spent his first year in the Cleveland Orchestra.  But that sounded pretty miserable.

So ultimately, we never truly decided what Mark would do if he were to win.  And, truthfully, I think we are both a bit relieved that we didn't have to make that decision.  In the weeks he spent preparing for the audition, I went back and forth about whether I wanted him to win it or not.  It was such a strange experience to really, truly have either outcome be okay.  Part of me wanted the "adventure" of picking up and moving someplace new --- particularly to the midwest, which still feels like home to me even though I no longer have family there.  But I also love our life here, so there were some days that I wanted to just return to our regular lives without having things shaken up too much.

But besides the excitement of a potential change, and the closeness we experienced in re-examining our lives and our roles, other good things came out of this audition.  First, a lot of our career-focus or career conversations have been around my career.  Every year or so I am assigned a new role, and I go through an annual performance appraisal where I get concrete feedback about my performance and my potential.  So it was a good experience to move into a supportive role for Mark as he pursued a career opportunity.  I tried to free him up as much as possible so he could not only practice, but also just to give him some room to get into the mental frame of mind that's needed for an audition.  There is so much more to auditioning than just practicing --- but I'm hoping Mark may follow my blog post with one of his own accounting for the audition experience, so I'll leave it at that.  It felt good to be able to support him in something so important --- where, traditionally it's been about how I can squeeze in more hours at work.

Another good thing that came out of the audition was Mark's renewed vigor for excellence in his playing, and confidence in himself.  It's easy to slide into mediocrity when you have tenure with an orchestra.  It was good for Mark to refine his percussion skills and really spend some intense time with the instruments.

And one final "plus" that came out of this audition is our lives seem so much easier now by comparison!  Truthfully, I think the kids are at an easier age (Ben is 3.5, Katie is 10 months), but when we also don't need to squeeze an extra 4 hours out of the day for Mark to practice, life just seems so much more relaxed!  We're enjoying settling back into our routine (the audition was in mid-January, a month ago) --- resuming our focus on being healthier (I still need to lose 20 pounds of baby weight, and Mark wants to lose about the same (although he has already lost 25 pounds!)), working on projects around the house (drainage complete, and fence tear down also complete!), and trying to just enjoy these precious days with our young family.

Time to wrap this up and get home to the kiddos.  But I'd have to say, this is the best audition that Mark never won! :)

Run, Forrest, Run

Benjamin participated in his first race on the Saturday after Thanksgiving (well, actually second, if you also consider the 25 meter toddler trot he participated in when he was 17 months old).

I loved this picture of him towards the end of the race, as this is what we imagined he would be like for the whole race!  We pushed him and Katie in a stroller for a 5K Halloween fun run (which we walked, as I am NOT a runner) about a month ago, and Mark let him out of the stroller to run the end of the race with him.  Ben LOVED it, and ran really fast and enthusiastically for a long time.  He kept talking about doing another race, so we thought the Houston Area Road Runner Association 'Just for Kids Fun Run' would be perfect for him.  They have a variety of events for children of different ages, and we signed Ben up for the 400 meter run, and it even had a "heat" (is that what it is called?) specifically for kids ages 3-5.

It's held the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and we've been looking for non-food (particularly non-sweets) ways to celebrate seasons and holidays (as well as just fun things to do as a family that emphasize exercise) --- so we thought how perfect would this be?!  They had several bounce houses and a fire engine there as well.

So we loaded the kids up in the van on Saturday morning and headed out for the run.  Ben enjoyed the bounce houses and fire engine as we waited for his race to start.  Unfortunately, though, the race got off to a bad start for Ben, since they fired a gun for the "go" signal, and then there was a loud megaphone with speakers along the course cheering the kids on.  Ben is sensitive to loud noises, so he spent the first part of the race crying and covering his ears and refusing to go.  Fortunately, the course was a turn-around halfway through time, so when he and Mark(who was running with him, while Katie and I cheered on the sidelines) were at the end of the pack, they turned around early to head back towards the finish line.  We did get him to run for a bit towards the end of the course (although, I'm not sure he exactly ran across the finish line), and the event photographers got this great picture of him.

So I paid $10 for this digital download --- a beautiful picture of my son, which does NOT represent the actuality of the event for him.  But this is how I pictured it would be.  And we'll try again next year.  Mark loves to run, and we hope Ben (and Katie, eventually too) will also love running, and that it can be a daddy/children activity they can enjoy together in the years to come.  And Ben really DOES love to run - he just didn't enjoy this particular run.  So, ultimately,  I had to have a picture of Ben's first race - even if it's not exactly accurate. :)

Workin' Girl

Two blog posts in two days --- I'm on a roll! :)  It's actually 6 AM right now as I write this, but I am wide awake and don't need to leave the house for another 15 minutes, so I thought I would at least get started.  Early morning has become my exercise time, and after two weeks of getting up early to exercise, I think I am adjusting.  I was just finding too many excuses to not exercise during the day, and I'm determined to lose the rest of this baby weight (about another 20 pounds to go, and I've plateaued yet AGAIN), so I've started setting the alarm for early in the morning and then either going to a 5:30 AM Pilates class at the YMCA or taking brisk walks around our neighborhood.  This morning I am meeting a friend at 6:30 AM to walk, but after so many 5 AM wake-ups, I woke up on my own about 20 minutes ago.

But that's not what I wanted to write about this morning.  I want to write about work.  And I also want to write a little update on the kiddos (both doing great!) - but the kid post will probably need to wait until later.

So I'm back at work now, after 7 months of being a SAHM.  I definitely feel like I learned a ton being at home for this time period.  It was really an incredible time, and I was sad to end this period when I returned to work 3 weeks ago.  I got a chance to do things that I had been wanting to do for a while (such as finishing unpacking our boxes from our Hurricane Ike evacuation, organizing our home a little better, managing contractors during the exterior house remodel), but I also gained a lot of confidence in my ability to not only handle staying at home with young children, but in my ability to embrace that role and enjoy it.

Mark and I were married for almost 7 years before Benjamin was born.  When we dated and even when we got married, we were both of the attitude "yeah, we would probably like to have a couple of kids someday."  But neither of us were in a hurry to do that; it was a vague off-in-the-distance idea, and it certainly wasn't a strong topic of conversation, planning or an important part of the reason we wanted to be together.  When we eventually did decide to start trying to have kids, it was still more of an idea in the future --- we didn't want to be sitting on our front porch alone at 70 years old and wish we had had children.  Neither of us were particularly into babies (I was actually a bit afraid of them, and dreaded when people asked me if I wanted to hold their newborns).

So it was a bit of a shock to the system when baby Benjamin arrived.  And, truthfully, after 3 months maternity leave, I was ready to go back to work --- ready to get back at least a little bit to being the "old" me.  The return-to-work arrangement was difficult though.  We did not have child care for Benjamin, so our schedule consisted of taking turns working while the other parent took care of the baby.  A typical day might include Mark going to a morning rehearsal, coming home at lunch, at which point I raced off to the office for a half day, then returned home to have an hour or two with Mark and Ben before he took off for an evening concert.  It was exhausting.  Things would have gotten better when Ben started school at 16 months, but that's when our house flooded, so we had the new stress of living with friends and trying to remodel our house while we were both also working.  Then shortly after we moved back into our house, I switched roles at work, which required longer hours, then we got pregnant with Katie and I returned to work full-time.

We did okay through all these arrangements, but our house always seemed a mess and dis-organized, I felt like I could never get even the simplest goals at home accomplished, we ate a lot of frozen pizza and didn't get much exercise, and I felt like I missed out on some fun times at home with Benjamin.  So with a chance to "re-set" the clock and pace following Katie's birth, I knew I wanted to try something different.

My company is incredible with their maternity policies.  And I've been using them to the full capacity this time around.  No regrets (so far).  I am not only working fewer hours now (supposed to be 8 per week, but I've been doing about 12) than I was when I went back after Benjamin was born, I feel like I am able to contribute to and manage our household much more effectively with all the things I've learned during my leave of absence.  It probably also helps that I learned how to mother a baby from Benjamin, so I'm more relaxed with Katie and am used to getting less sleep. :)

My assignment at work probably couldn't be any better right now, too --- which definitely helps.  I was assigned to a new Project, so the team had only been formed for a couple of months by the time I joined.  In the week following my assignment, additional team members were named.  So I had the advantage of not filling in for someone else who was full-time, and having to manage expectations of what I would and wouldn't do in that role.  My manager just carved out a couple of pieces of the Project scope for me to complete.  So that's what I am doing --- without judgement from the team for the scale of my contribution.

I also work from home --- I don't even have an office on campus.  Which is absolutely fantastic so far.  This also works because the particular Project I am on has team members on a few different campuses, so it's not terribly apparent that I am "missing." I love not having to defend when I come and go.  We have a standing weekly meeting on Monday afternoons (Mark's day off, so I am always able to attend!), and I have gone in just one extra time to meet with my functional (career) supervisor.  Other than that, it's been phone calls and emails, and it's working so far.  I love the flexibility of being able to work when it is convenient for Mark to take care of the kids, not having to dress up (still hardly anything fits) and saving the commute time to the office.  And it's great not having to worry about when to feed Katie - since we never really got regular with giving her bottles.

...okay, that was as far as I got before I had to leave to meet my friend for our walk.  Both kids are now napping, so I'll see if I can finish this post, although I have  lost my train of thought...

So all-in-all, I think my situation for being back at work is as good as it could possibly be.  I am working few hours and I get to do most of my work from home.  The challenge is that, for now, I need to fit these extra hours into what already felt like full and busy days - particularly until Katie starts school (which could be as early as April or as late as September 2011).  Ideally, I would have just preferred to delay my return date until Katie was ready to start school --- but that wasn't an option.  So we're going with the next best thing (8 hours per week).   I originally asked for the reduced schedule just until year end, at which point I was supposed to return to work half time (20-30 hours per week).  The idea of going back half time was really stressing me out, so within the first week of returning, I requested for the full possible term for the reduced schedule - which is 6 months.  Assuming the situation looks like it is working (ie I can make a meaningful contribution to the team), I should get to continue this until May 1, 2011.  That possibility just thrills me.

So why not just quit and stay home, if that's what I want to do?  I never thought that staying home full time would be something that I would want to do.  And if we could continue our current lifestyle, it may be something that I would consider more strongly.  But we saved up money while I was working full-time so that we could continue to enjoy the conveniences two pay checks bring --- someone to clean our house twice per month, lawn mowing service in the summer,  leaf raking in the fall (we have huge trees), as well as the extra luxuries, such as eating out (although, with 2 kids, we don't do that too much anymore anyways) and my current love affair with Starbucks.  And the remodeling / landscaping projects couldn't happen.  And finally, we wouldn't be able to send our children to the Montessori pre-school that we love and later, potentially the private (and expensive) Montessori elementary - high school.  So while we could make it work on one income, it wouldn't be nearly as fun.

But money isn't the only reason I work.  I need to have time away from my children each day, interacting with adults, doing something that isn't solely focused on them.  I truly believe I am a better parent because of it.  After long stretches during school breaks, I find my patience with Benjamin wearing out.  And once Katie is more interactive and requires more undivided attention, I imagine that I will need more of a break from her too.  The right day care / pre-schools offer that, and so when she is old enough (at least according to us) to benefit from some non-parent time with another caring adult, I don't believe I'll have issues with enrolling her for a few hours per day as well.  When that happens, work and home seem to balance out really well.  I can spend some non-hurried time with the children in the morning (since school doesn't start for them until 9 AM), drop them off at school, go to work, then pick them up in the afternoon with enough time to spend a few hours together before the evening unwinding activities begin.  It is a really good rhythm for our family.

So ultimately, my resistance to going back to work is a short-term one.  So it makes sense to muscle through at this point.  And I'm not ready to give up being a career woman.  I have been successful so far at work, and it feels good to get affirmation for doing a job well done.  Particularly because you have to wait quite a few years for the pat-on-the-back for raising your children well.  And I feel like I am most balanced and happiest working part-time.

So our current plan is that I will work 8 hours per week until May 1, 2010 (I like to count down, so see the new ticker above), at which point I will bump up to regular part-time (20-30 hours per week), and at about this time we also hope to start Katie in pre-school.  I can then work part-time for another 1.5 years - which would take us to November 1, 2012.  At that point, Ben will be 5 and Katie will be 2.5.  What will I do then?  I'll likely need to return to work full time or change to a permanent part-time status --- which is not without career ramifications.  But that's a long time off --- even for the OCD planner in me.  So we'll just have to see where life leads us between now and then.